Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind

Hearts of Space

2011-02-26T17:26:00.000-05:00

I was recently directed to a podcast called RadioLab. It is delightful, stimulating, and often bittersweet. I have yet to encounter an episode that didn't thrill me in some fashion. For those interested in my discipline of choice, Statistics, you could do far worse as an introduction to the field than to listen to Radiolab's episode entitled Stochasticity.

But this is cursory to the impetus for me to dust off the old blog and share something with the internets. When I was looking through different podcasts the idea suddenly came upon me to look for a radio program I used to listen to in high school. This program came on MPR every Sunday night around 8 or 9 o'clock and featured esoteric, new-agey, ethereal music. I would catch it whenever I could and was always entranced by the exotic sounds that would drift through speakers. The show was Hearts of Space and the host of the show would always end each episode by saying "Safe journey, Spacefans, wherever you are."

Hearts of Space was special to me for several reasons, not the least of which was I often shared the experience with my dear friend, Fast Eddie. Additionally, back then I didn't spend a lot of time listening to music. I mean, music was a pretty consistent backdrop to most of my activities, but I rarely listened to music for the sake of the music itself. HoS was different. When 9:00 rolled around, I would turn up the music, darken the room, and give myself to the music. This was long before my experiments with psychotropics, and I think this music sent me into something of an altered state.

I remember one night in particular. I came home late from somewhere and since Mom was away for the weekend and Brother was at college, I had the house to myself. I realized that HoS had already started so I went upstairs, turned on the stereo in the living room, and dialed in to MPR. The sound was a lone soprano voice over a barely audible orchestra. It was something medieval, something dark and lovely. I turned off the lights, lay on the couch, and immediately I was taken somewhere, some mist shrouded castle in Ireland where a spectre drifting through the halls sung her tale of loneliness. I could feel the damp, cold fog. I could see the pale half-moon languishing as the wisps of clouds grew denser. I could hear past her foreign tongue to the tale she wove with every crystalline note.

The episode ended, and like a doctor helping the recently anesthetized to their feet the host gently released us back into reality with his reassuring "Safe journey, Spacefans, wherever you are."

And so I'm digging through all the old shows, looking for that specific episode. I wonder if I'll find it. Sometimes I feel like I should stop looking. Maybe the narrative above is more than pure recollection. Maybe it's some amalgam of memory and desire. Whatever the case, I'm glad I can rediscover this show. It feels good. It feels like two old friends visiting for the weekend. Playing frisbee and boardgames and reminiscing. It is comforting beyond expression.

Safe Journeys.

How I Met Josh Radnor

2010-09-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

I know I've broken the blogging world record by posting twice in three days, but try to keep up.

Josh Radnor, star of the hit television series "How I Met Your Mother" (take a minute to chuckle at the title of this post) was in Bexley Ohio tonight to premiere his new movie HappyThankYouMorePlease. Mr. Radnor, a native of Bexley returned to the theater he used to visit as a child. During his speech before the movie he said "I wouldn't be making movies if it weren't for this theater." All in all he seems like a really nice guy and, perhaps surprisingly, very much like Ted Mosby, the character he plays in How I Met Your Mother (don't chuckle again, that's just condescending). So where do I fit in amongst the rich and powerful patrons who attended this showing? Well, it just so happens that my girlfriend is the Director of the Bexley Public Library. And it just so happens that the president of the library board is Alan Radnor, Josh Randor's father. So girlfriend and I attend the premiere (spoiler alert: the movie is freaking awesome), then we go to the afterparty. We see Josh Radnor talking to people, laughing, hugging, and being an all around nice guy.
Let me pause here to say that apart from a brief wave from Robert Guillaume when I was very very little, I have never met a famous person. So girlfriend and I were waiting to met Josh Radnor and I'm getting nervous. My heart is pounding and I'm thinking of what I should say and then girlfriend walks up to him and shakes his hand. The music is loud so Josh Radnor bends over to catch her name. She tells him her name and he says "Oh yes! I've heard a lot of great things about you." This hot-shot up and coming star of television and film has heard great things about my girlfriend. It's true, she's a rockstar.
They chat a little bit and then he looks over at me. Extends his hand and says "Hi, I'm Josh." So simple, so kind and unpretentious. I smile and shake his hand.

And that is how I met Josh Radnor. If you haven't seen his tv show, you owe it to yourself. It plays pitch perfectly to my (and probably your) generation, plus Alyson Hannigan is hot. The movie HappyThankYouMorePlease will be in theaters in February.

Sprocketplug Out

Summer Time

2010-08-30T15:27:00.000-04:00

So here's what's been going on in my life.

August was a busy month. I gave a presentation on the work I've been doing this summer regarding some survey design research involving propensity scores. I tested for and received my yellow belt in hapkido.

Finally, I took my second qualifying examination for my Ph.D. program. If I pass this exam the next stage is passing a candidacy exam before starting work on my dissertation. Luckily this exam was something of a final hurdle. The two qualifying examinations act as a weeding out process for the department. If you fail the exams, they send you packing. If you pass the exams, however, you're almost guaranteed to graduate. The department doesn't give you your candidacy exam until they think you can pass it.

The qualifier was an ordeal, but it's over and I'm starting to wind down from all the stress. I still get a knot in my stomach when I think about it, but for the next week (until I get the results) I'm going to try to push it out of my mind.

On an unrelated note, I took my car in today for an oil change and had them look into a noise I was hearing from the passenger side front suspension. Turns out something or the other was broken and they didn't want me driving it for fear of a tire puncture during a hard turn. So I picked up a car from Budget which I'll be driving until the part comes in and they install it (a couple of days on the outside).

The car is fairly new Dodge Avenger. I like how the exterior looks, kinda badass, but it doesn't handle like it looks it might. Looks like a dolphin, handles like a manatee. I think it should trademark that in case dodge wants to use it in advertisements.

I had an "interesting" conversation with another patron at Carmax while my car was being inspected. I was sitting in the waiting area and SportsCenter was on. I was reading "With the Lightenings" a great novel by David Drake, and this dude sits down by me and starts commenting on the story being covered by ESPN. The story was about Roger Clemens. I don't follow sports, but I do remember the congressional hearings on performance enhancing drugs. Why was Roger Clemens returning to Congress?

From the LA Times:

The charges stem from Clemens' testimony before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform in 2008. Clemens, who was mentioned multiple times in the Mitchell Report, told the committee he had "never taken steroids or HGH."

So this guy said "You think the government has more important things to do then bring Roger Clemens back."

I glanced up and he was looking right at me. I think he's missing the point, but I just shrug and go back to my novel. So he said "I mean it costs them hundreds of thousands of dollar to do this and that could be money better spent making jobs for people." I was about to say something, but thought otherwise and said "Yeah, probably." And back to my book.

A few minutes later he says "I mean I've been a cop for 20 years and there's tons of more dangerous drugs out there. Heroin, cocaine, and these guys get all worked up because baseball players want to make themselves a little bigger."

Finally I said

"Well...I agree that congress probably had better things to do than investigate drug use in major league baseball, however, Roger Clemens is under fire now because he most likely committed several acts of perjury. Whether or not you believe HGH and steroids are bad, and regardless of what you think of the original investigation, the man gave false testimony to the United States Congress, and that cannot stand."

The man looked at me for a few seconds then said "Yeah, but there are tons of drugs that are more dangerous that you can get on the street."

I opened my mouth, then I closed my mouth and went back to my novel. The voice of my good friend Fast Eddie in my ear "Pick your battles, dude. Pick your battles."

the way of coordinated power

2010-07-07T12:58:00.001-04:00

Much has happened in the past month. Spring quarter ended, Summer quarter began, I moved in with The Fighting Librarian, and I started (in earnest) a Korean martial art called Hapkido.

Some of you may know that I tried my hand (no pun intended) at the Japanese martial art, Aikido, a while back. The philosophy of Aikido was extremely interesting to me. The best way I can describe Aikido is that it is a non-violent martial art. It emphasizes balance, coordinated motion, and respect for your attacker. Your goal in Aikido is to take your opponents energy and us it against him/her. It rarely, if ever, teaches strength vs. strength. Anecdotally, I once practiced with a woman who was probably 50 years old, probably 5' tall and a biscuit over 100 pounds. Using some simple techniques, she threw my 200 pounds around the mat like i was a rag doll. We were taught ways to redirect the attacker's force and use that same energy to subdue, pin, or generally immobilize the attacker. There were ways to make the techniques more unpleasant for the attacker, but in general it felt like you were putting your opponent to bed. You took their energy and used it to put them on the ground. Then you applied a wrist or arm lock until they felt uncomfortable and asked you to stop (tapped out). Then you released and backed away. Aikido is often called a soft form, or a soft martial art. If someone throws a punch, you don't try to block it, you simply blend with it, redirecting the energy and putting it to your own use. Since you never meet force head on with more force, Aikido is called a soft form or a soft martial art.
A practitioner of a hard martial art once said that fighting a practitioner of Aikido was like trying to fight a ghost.
There are several Dojos that teach aikido in the greater columbus area, but I decided to join The Fighting Librarian's Dojang where I knew some people and my friend Sam wanted to start at the same time.

Now, Hapkido is very similar to Aikido as you can probably tell from the name. The difference being Hapkido incorporates some hard forms and also some weapons training. On one of the first days after I joined, we were doing some techniques that are similar to Aikido. In Aikido, if someone were grabbing your wrist, you can turn their arm, take their balance, and put them on the ground. In Hapkido, we learned to turn the attacker's arm, take his balance....but now you take his arm across your leg, strike down to shatter the elbow, then strike across to break the jaw. Therein lies the difference.
In Aikido, you leave your attacker in a position where he doesn't want to you attack you again. In Hapkido, you leave your attacker in a position where he isn't physically able to attack you again.

I'm very much enjoying my practice as it gives me an escape from my otherwise sedentary lifestyle. That, and it gives me a better chance against Fast Eddie's attack ninjas. I take my yellow belt test August 13th. I'll let you all know how it goes.

-SP

When does the searching stop?

2010-06-09T13:07:00.003-04:00

"Bang Pop" is in the running to be the next Freshman on MTV's Freshman 5.

Vote for their video here:http://freshmen.mtvu.com/

This picture is awesome.

2010-05-27T20:46:00.000-04:00

From the time I was a little boy I always imagined what it would be like to have my house filled with water. Not in the flash flood/my life is ruined, kind of way. I just wondered what it would feel like to swim through my.....
UGH!
I just got stuck in a 20 minute "conversation" with my neighbor. She has two dogs Bella and Petey. I have my back door opened to get a breeze and I heard her say "Peter?" I thought she was talking to her dog, but then a minute later I heard her say "Hey Peter?" so I poked my head out and said, "Marci? Are you talking to me?" and she said "No, my dog. But how are you?"
Now, I try to avoid my neighbor because although she is nice and well intentioned she communicates as though most of her brain has been burned away by a decades long addiction to crystal meth...probably because as far as I can tell her brain has been burned away by a decades long addiction to crystal meth.
She talks and she talks and she wanders from one subject to another, so "we" start out talking about her day and how she was cleaning houses with her daughter (who is pretty cool) and then I get to learn about her former 80 year old boyfriend in cleveland who retired at 51 and I get to hear about how she loves the jewish community up there because they are such big tippers during Christmas.
Me: "You mean Hanukah?"
Marci: "What?"
Me: "Well, the Jews usually-."
Marci: "And you know we used to clean houses of all the rich doctors and they didn't live in really nice neighborhoods and my son is going to fix my car because someone hit my car when it was parked on the street and..."

And so I stand and watch her little dogs bound around our shared backyard and I listen for the slightest pause so I can say "I really need to get back in..." but there is no such pause. The woman must be circularly breathing or something. I just can't interrupt people, at least not people I don't know very well. When telemarketers call, when greenpeace comes knocking at my door... as long as they keep talking I keep listening.

Eventually I get a word in and tell her I have to go back inside to do school work.
Marci: "Oh Sure, I understand."
Peter opens his door and gets one foot inside.
Marci: "So how is school, you acing everything?"
Peter: "Yep, school is going very well. Well goodnight!"
Marci: "How much do you have left before you graduate."
Peter: "Probably a couple of years. Have a nice night."
Marci: "That's great. Are you ready to....

UGH. Finally I have to interrupt her. I apologize profusely but I REALLY have to get some more work done. She stares at me blankly and I take this as my cue to run inside and throw the deadbolt.

I will never, ever try crystal meth.

Hoppy Birsdai to me

2010-05-14T09:12:00.002-04:00

If you get the reference, you're as a big a gamer as me.

2010-04-16T12:25:00.003-04:00

Blogging Under the Influence

2010-04-09T11:20:00.001-04:00

For the past, oh, six days now I have been feeling ill. Symptoms fall in the range of your common garden-variety virus, sore throat, sinus congestion, runny nose, headaches, fevers, chills, speaking in tongues etc...
So I've been stocking up on vitamins, fruits, soups, drugs, throat lozenges and other tradition cures/alleviations. I bought a packet of NyQuil liquid caps to help me sleep since that seems to be the most difficult thing for me to do when I'm sick.
Last night, I was lying on my couch feeling miserable and self pitying and watching Firefly actor/producer commentary. It made me laugh, which made me feel a little better. At about 9:30, I decide that I want to hit the sack early, so I crawl upstairs to my bathroom and rummage around my medicine closet. Let me say here that I have enough medical supplies to support the third mobile infantry and enough drugs to stun a team of oxen. As I'm looking through my many and varied pharmaceuticals (some purchased over the counter, some prescription use only) I realize I have left my NyQuil liquid caps downstairs. I did however, notice a bottle of NyQuil liquid.

The only problem is that this particular bottle of cherry flavored NyQuil expired in November of 2008. Now, I know what you're thinking, surely I just went downstairs and got the packet of freshly purchased nyquil liquid caps and took those. Surely I dumped that half used bottle of liquid death down the drain. *ahem*
So I measure out the appropriate dosage from the Cherry NyQuil and throw it down the hatch. At this point I can safely say that the flavor engineers over at NyQuil have a really good sense of humor. Calling this product "cherry flavored" is a sin equivalent to filling grenadine bottles with hamster vomit and selling them in bulk.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and in my defense, let me just say that drinking two year old NyQuil is not as crazy as it sounds. I've had a clinical trials course and I know something about what happens after the best used by date on pharmaceuticals. Usually, the product simply loses efficacy. The effects of the drug are lessened not changed.
So I crawl into bed with the taste of rodent upchuck still on my tongue and settle in for a nice long sleep....

I wake up at about 11:00pm and I'm groggy and dizzy but otherwise comfortable. In my semi-conscious state I ask myself, why did I wake up? Surely, the medication didn't work. So I stumble out of bed and go downstairs. It takes me a while to find the liquid caps (because I'm drugged out of my gourd). I crack them open and take the full the dose. This is where things get a little weird.

I fall asleep again and my dreams become vivid and grand. I can see geometric shapes laid out against a pastoral landscape and I hear the voices of Joss Whedon, Nathan Fillion, Alan Tudyk, and Ron Glass. They are talking and talking and they won't stop talking and when I wake up 2 hours later I can still hear them talking. That's right, I am awake and I can still hear the disembodied voices of the men doing firely commentary. I stumble into the bathroom and everywhere I look, there are shapes, mostly rectangles with dots at the vertices. The voices keep talking and the shapes are sticking to the walls and I stumble back into bed. I wake up two hours later and the voices are now a cacophony in my head. I try to close my eyes again but the room spins and I can see citadels built upon layered and interlocking rectangles with dots at the vertices. The noise increases until I feel my head is going to split open. Why won't they shut-up, I can't sleep unless they shut-up. As the voices reach a crescendo, I bolt upright and then there's silence.
I'm covered in sweat and my heart is pounding, but the room is cool and silent. I take a few deep breaths and fall back down to my pillow. As I close my eyes, all is quiet, but I see a single rectangle, outlined in silver, with blue dots at the vertices floating in the middle of my mind's eye.

An Evening with That Author Guy

2010-04-01T22:40:00.000-04:00

The Fighting Librarian and I spent the evening at a book signing/reading with one of my favorite authors, Christopher Moore. There's nothing like hearing an author wax prosical to make you want to fire up the old blog.

He was supposed to read an excerpt from his new novel Bite Me: A love story (linked on the site above), but ended up just chatting with the audience for an hour and half. He told stories, talked about his new found fame, and then fielded questions from all the weirdos in the audience.

It was a really really good time. He was witty and self deprecating, funny and sincere. To be short, I would really like it if he and I became friends. I've actually written him a few fan letters and was amazed when I got replies...within 30 minutes. I'm not kidding. I wrote the guy after I read Lamb and not even half an hour later I got a response wherein he commented on my email. That is to say, unless he has some dastardly clever reply program, I think he actually read and responded to my email. Now that's a man who's dedicated to his fans.

For those of you who have not read Mr. Moore, I highly recommend picking up some of his stuff. Lamb is spectacular, but it's even better if you're familiar with some of the christian mythology. A Dirty Job stands out as one of the best and most hilarious books I've ever read. I put it up there with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (though it's a different kind of humor).

I also, just recently, purchased a DROID. You may know if it as the only phone/operating system that comes close (in terms of popularity) to the iPhone. Now, you all know I'm a HUGE fan of Apple and the Macintosh computer. I learned to type on an Apple II gs and my first personal computer was beige Macintosh G3. I've had a clamshell iBook and powerbook titanium, and my computer right now is an aluminum iMac. I've loved them all. However, when it came time to get a new phone I had two reservations when it came to apple. 1) I like having a physical keypad for typing. Something about the iPhone touchscreen keypad drove me bonkers. I would start to twitch and mutter curses in german. 2) Apple's business practice vis a vis the App store is just short of despotic. I don't like the closed door iron fist acceptance rejection policy and I don't like that I can't make my own app and load it on my phone. Apple has always kept tight reigns on their hardware/software, but at some point you begin to stifle creativity. Enter the Android operating system. Made by a somewhat less despotic Google to be an open source, pretty GUI whereon you don't need to void your warranty to upload any app your tech savvy grandmother just made.

The Motorola Droid, the flagship of the Android fleet, has a slideout qwerty keyboard and an open source philosphy I can get behind.

So far, I love it! I've never had a true "smart phone" before and I love how it syncs up with gmail and gmail calendar. The screen is big and beautiful and the apps are wicked fun. There's even an app that let's you download public domain literature.

O.k. that's all that's on my mind for now. I hope you all are happy and well.

=SP=

The long dark tea-time of the soul.

2010-03-24T15:03:00.001-04:00

Hi All!

It's spring break here in buckeye country and I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on in the life of one Sigmund J. Sprocketplug.

The quarter ended fairly uneventfully, but it marks the last quarter of full time "real" classes. I'll need to take one or two more electives over the next year, but other than that it's just reading classes and dissertation credits (provided I pass my second qualifier).
About that, I take my second qualifier, which should be much less scary than the first, in August. Please send well wishes to sprocketplug@catlovers.com .

The biggest news of the moment comes from the realm of personal finance.

March was an expensive month for me mostly due to the crazy amount of money I owe(d) the United States government. I learned that my cocaine habit was not tax deductible and neither was the interest on my Faberge egg collection. Really, though, it was the fact that I do some freelance textbook editing and the publisher doesn't take out taxes before paying me.
I also got a speeding ticket in Indiana while on my way to Chicago to hear Free Energy rock the pants off some party people.
On top of that, during my last dental appointment, my DDS told me that my jaw is funny. It's a problem I've lived with my entire adult life

You see, when I bite down, my molars don't touch on the right side. Meaning I can only chew food on the left side of mouth. The dentist huffed and puffed a little and I was kind of "meh" but then he mentioned that over time I might develop arthritis in my jaw. Now, I'm not a doctor, but jaw arthritis doesn't sound like much fun. So I scheduled an appointment with ye ole apothecaries down at OSU orthodontics. A dental grad student looked in my mouth and said "your teeth don't touch on the right side of your mouth." Then an orthodontic resident looked in my mouth and said "your teeth don't touch on the right side of your mouth." Then an orthodontic specialist looked in my mouth and said "you have appendicitis." Then a nurse leaned over and whispered something in his ear and then he said, "your teeth don't touch on the right side of your mouth." He checked a little box that said "SURGERY" and sent me to a woman who told me how much I get to pay for them to break, saw, move, and screw my jaw. Spoiler: It's a lot of money.
Inspired by that wonderful christmas tale, The Gift of the Magi, I'm going to sell all my teeth to pay for my jaw surgery. They'll just grow back, right?

If I do get the surgery, it'll probably happen this summer. If/When that occurs I will be sure to blog about the whole experience. This will include audio recordings of what it sounds like when you try to sing "Surrey with a fringe on top" with your jaw wired shut. Before and after x-rays. Pictures of the slivers of left over adamantium that weren't used in the reconstruction process.

Snow Day!

2010-02-16T16:09:00.000-05:00

Columbus Public Schools (including OSU) were closed today on account of the Snowtorious B.I.G.
So the exam I was supposed to take today is rescheduled for Thursday and I have a full day to lounge about. Well, I spent the last two hours shoveling, but other than that...

Quick recap of the past couple months
Modern Warfare 2:

And that's pretty much it.

I've been making some extra scratch as a tutor and I like it very much. There's something more satisfying about sitting with an individual than lecturing to a classroom. There are nuances of understanding and discovery that cannot be obtained when talking to 100 students. It's pretty easy work too, depending on which class I'm tutoring. I've taught the intro classes for so many years, I know the most common pitfalls and the best way to circumnavigate frustrations. Helping a student with Stats 135, I feel a little like The Player from Ros & Guil. He seems to know so much, but really it's just that he's "been here before" and the student can't figure out "the direction of the wind."

On a happy note, my old roommate from StOlaf is coming to Columbus for the weekend. And ye there shall be much playing of videogames and eating of pizza. I'm also trying to get together some people for a poker night, something we've never quite been able to do when he's visited.

Merry Christmas, Bitches.

2009-12-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

GameCRAWL

2009-12-19T22:19:00.002-05:00

So I signed up for GameFly. For all you non-gamers out there, it's like netflix but for videogames. Awesome concept, but I've found it to be a little lacking in execution.
So far, I've received 8 games from gamefly and they've shipped semi-promptly and arrived semi-quickly. These 8 games have all been older titles (Fun but older). Titles that I passed up buying earlier in the year or last year thinking that someday I would get them on the cheap or rent them...as I'm doing now. These games have all been low on my list, with a stack of new releases atop the list. I've had two games in particular at the top of my queue for as long as I've been a member, those two games were Assassin's Creed II and Modern Warfare II. I ended up buying AC II and I'm still waiting to get my hands of MW II. You see, none of the top 5 games in my queue ever ship. So I started putting in games that might be fun, but that I wasn't really interested in. Games like Halo Wars and WET.
When those games arrived, I sighed, feeling as though I've settled. So enough is enough, I deleted all the games I wasn't too thrilled about and left the top 5 creme de la creme.
I returned my last game and it got to GameFly last wednesday. Since then I've been waiting for one my top 5 games to ship. Nothing. I wait. Nothing.
Granted, not all the games are as available as the rest. Everyone wants to play Modern Warfare II, so it has "low" availability. Which means it has a less than 25% chance of shipping. Fine, but.... I have other games in my list with "high" availability or even the oh so falsely labeled "Available Now."
So i waited three days and nothing has shipped. Finally I wrote an email. I was polite. I asked "Where the fuck are my fucking games you puss headed sons-of-whores?"
I get a little intense about my games.

I get this email in return:

Dear Peter,

Our apologies. We have reviewed your account and noted that you currently have only very popular releases in your GameQ. ...[blah...]... Please note the availability statuses on the Web site reflect inventory across all of our shipping centers. While the game may reflect "Available Now” or “High" in your Q, it may only be available in the shipping center that is more distant from your residence. We try to ship games from your primary shipping center to allow you to receive your games faster.

To ensure we ship games in the fairest possible manner, we factor in the length of time that you have been waiting for a game (once a return is received in our facility) and the time the desired available game was placed in your GameQ. ...[blah blah]... We also recommend you add more titles to your GameQ so you do not miss out on receiving games (i.e. don't you want to play viva pinata or Iron Man the game or maybe Halo 2??????).

[blah blah blah]
Sincerely,

The GameFly Team
Email: support@gamefly.com
Online help: http://www.gamefly.com/help

----------------------

I'm going to copy and paste something again for emphasis:

While the game may reflect "Available Now” or “High" in your Q, it may only be available in the shipping center that is more distant from your residence. We try to ship games from your primary shipping center to allow you to receive your games faster.

*ahem* even though the game may reflect AVAILABLE NOW, we're not going to ship it to you. Becaaaaaaause, and this is the great part, we would rather you not have a game at all, than make you wait an extra day or two to get the game.

This is the sound of me blinking in astonishment.

Further-frakking-more...
The top 5 games in my queue have availabilities as follows:

Medium
Low
High
High
Very Low

With these ranks, GameFly associates a probablity of immediate shipping. For Medium games it's 50%-74%, low is 25%-50%, etc... With the percentages given that should mean the probability that 1 of the games ships immediately is... (and here I'm using the most conservative values of their stated percentages, i.e. giving them the benefit of the doubt)
1-.5*.75*.25*.25*.95 = .9777

Given that the ranks stay the same, the probability that I don't get a game for three days is (0.0223)^3 = 0.000011

Something is rotten in the state of Ohio.

come for the abs, stay for the action

2009-12-17T11:51:00.001-05:00

Let's get one thing straight, movie adaptations of videogames have thus far been garbage. The king of the genre Uwe Boll, really knows how to such the lifeforce out of a idea and paste its withered corpse on a movie screen. Except for a few notable exceptions in the immediate past, the same has gone the other way. Take a movie, try to turn it into a videogame, and watch as a ten thousand gamers through their controllers into a wall. Notable exceptions are the newest Batman game, the newest Wolverine game, and the game based on the time life classic My Teenage Pregnancy.
However, there is a chance that the Prince of Persia movie could be decent. The trailers look like your stereotypical Jerry Bruckheimer film, i.e. all balls and no brains, but there's something about it that makes my thumbs twitch. Take a look.

Oh shirtless Jake Gylenhall, is there no genre of film you can't master.

I can't wait for the romantic comedy based off of Left4Dead 2. In theaters this Spring.

me vs. my subconscious

2009-12-15T12:48:00.000-05:00

An open letter to the girl in my dream:

First of all, let me apologize. By the look on your face, it was clear to me that you were upset when you got splashed. I could tell that a significant amount of water got on your book and it was, perhaps, ruined from the experience. Before I ask what you were doing sitting in the water fountain in the middle of the shopping mall, let me remind you that I did, indeed, get up to locate a towel for you. Just because I got lost on the second story (near banana republic), which, subsequently, turned into a medieval dungeon, doesn't mean I wasn't sincere in the undertaking. Although you said nothing, I am certain that you were displeased by the entire engagement. Had I known someone was sitting under the footbridge that spanned the fountain, I would not have leapt in near that exact spot. I pray that, in hindsight, you find my action irreverent instead of malevolent. If ever I return to your mall, which, as I recall, was almost entirely populated with bipedal lizardfolk, I shall make a point to stay clear of the fountain. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Sprocketplug

Trust

2009-11-24T18:12:00.002-05:00

Let's set the mood. To start, fire up iTunes and put on In the House-In A Heartbeat by John Murphy. Go for it. I'll wait...
You got it rolling? Great. Now imagine you're on the roof of an abandoned hotel somewhere outside Atlanta. You're with three people you just met and each of you is carrying a 9mm pistol. You look over the side of the roof and you see a crash of people below. From this distance, the group resembles a mosh pit, or a throng of shoppers waiting for the doors to open on Black Friday. Some sway back and forth as if entranced by some music that sits beyond the range of human sensitivity. Some look around expectantly, as if they are on the lookout for the 16 year old checkout girl to come unlock the gate. But all are silent. If you were to descend towards the group, the first thing you would notice is the smell. It is the smell of raw beef left to spoil. It is the smell of acid soaked fish congealing in the summer sun. It is like a physical blow to your head, and were your eyes not filled with tears you could see that these are not people at all. The ones that still have most of their skin are the color of bleached blue jeans, and their hands open and close, open and close, open and close.
Your next step makes the stair creak and 100 heads turn in unison. One of them opens its mouth and like birds in flight the group turns and launches towards you.

I just finished the final campaign in Left4Dead 2. I like to play the whole game offline with computer controlled teammates before jumping online so I'm a little better at not getting my team killed. The final chapter of the final campaign is a bridge. You have to fight your way across the bridge and into a rescue helicopter. There is no single moment of respite during the entire chapter. You run and you shoot and you keep moving or you die. On the second try I was 50 feet from the chopper when I was taken down by a dozen infected. The hardest part about playing with computer teammates is that they always let you take the lead. You're always the one in front and therefore the one who takes most of the damage from the special infected...like this guy:

So on the fourth try I am getting frustrated. We work our way past the halfway point and the zombies come like grains of rice being poured from a measuring cup. They slide around cars, crawl over the skeletons of 16 wheelers and station wagons. They are uncountable and relentless and I lead the way. Firing, reloading, pushing, punching, struggling for each foot of forward progression. And then I hear it, the sound of helicopter blades. I pull out my adrenaline pen and jam it into my thigh. I sprint, pushing past the mob of infected, killing many, avoiding many more, until I stand before the chopper. I turn around and I am alone. Rochelle is dead. Coach is on the ground yelling for help and Nick, with only a sliver of health, is fighting his way back to Coach. I put in a new clip and take a step forward, and then Nick goes down. Coach and Nick are still alive, incapacitated, but alive. The infected are pummeling them with fists and feet, elbows and knees. I can hear their cries. I hesitate.

I turn and step into the chopper.

As it takes off, I can see the infected below, like spiders crawling from a freshly hatched eggsac. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't see this in my dreams.

Zombie Survival

2009-11-15T10:33:00.000-05:00

Take a minute to fill out this sheet. Who knows, it might save your life some day.

Here's my take

Oh Joss...

2009-11-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter

Dear Sirs/Ma'ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where 'hood' was capitalized 'cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the 'grapevine' that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

No, you didn't miscount. That's four -- FOUR! -- zeroes after that one. That's to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here's what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don't ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture -- and my pretend play -- as any I can think of. It's far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator... of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far... back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? "Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!" RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he's a cyborg and he doesn't give a s#&% about the ring -- it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he's doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.

3) Can you say... musical? Well don't. Even I know that's an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale's John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there's a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar -- and dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There's more -- this brain don't quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) -- but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I'd like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including "Song of Norway" (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

Stopping Power

2009-10-30T10:12:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago a friend and I went to a Shooting Range in a north eastern suburb of Columbus. He had just bought a new shotgun and I'm always up for perforating paper cutouts. We rented a few guns such as a 9mm Beretta Pistol and a 9mm Carbine rifle. We were having a great time shooting zombie cutouts and what not, and then my buddy decided he wanted something a little bigger. We went out and chatted with the staff for a while and then my buddy said "Let's try that one." I looked up and he was pointing at the largest handgun I had ever seen. Why was it the largest handgun I had ever seen? Because it's the largest handgun made.
It's a Smith and Wesson 500 and it's large enough to be a gag prop on a Quentin Tarantino movie.
The bullets for this thing are 5 dollars a pop and worth every penny.

For those of you familiar with firearms, here's a comparison of bullet size for some common calibers. The .500 is in the middle.

I was first to fire the thing:

Notice that I wasn't quite prepared for the kick. I was wearing earplugs under those earmuffs and the sound was still impressive. The concussion from the blast sent my heart bouncing off my ribcage.
Because of the shotguns and the rifle we were using, they put us on the rifle range, so the people around us were firing some pretty heavy rounds, but when this gun went off, everyone stopped shooting and looked over, asking "What is that??"
At point blank range, the muzzle flare alone could knock over a moose.

When my buddy shot after me, he had much better control. Now the perspective in these videos don't do the gun justice. The size of the thing was immense.

Some Pics:

All-Terrain Attack Transport

2009-10-22T15:17:00.007-04:00

Behold the construction of the behemoth AT-AT.

Friday Night

2009-09-27T20:07:00.002-04:00

So you may be wondering: "Sprocketplug, what does an incredibly popular, attractive, and interesting person like you do on a Friday night?"

Well, friends lemme tell you. Last Friday I was feeling a little ill. I had been sneezing as though the great dust bowl of the 1930's had lodged itself in my sinuses. I was feeling better after self medicating with various narcotics and low-level hallucinogens lying about the apartment, but I decided to spend a quiet evening at home.

So I decided to start the 7th and final season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I started around 2:00pm and was still going strong around 9:00. You should never doubt my ability to binge watch television series on DVD. (cf Mr. Gubbins and The West Wing also cf Mr. Gubbins and Psyche). As I watched this delightfully dark and deranged season, I began assembling my Lego™ AT-AT. I had almost finished the walker when I got a text message from my buddy asking me to meet him and his new girlfriend at the Newport to see the Sublime tribute band, Badfish. He asked me what I was doing and I paused for a moment and in one of those rare moments of self-awareness I became a little embarrassed. I was home alone on a Friday night watching Buffy and playing with Legos.
I'm proud to say that after that moment of embarrassment, I thought, this is exactly what I WANT to be doing. So there.
However, I really did want to meet his new girlfriend and I decided it might not be a bad idea to get outside once that day. So I went. It was pretty fun, the Newport is a great venue, and even if I'm not the biggest fan of Sublime, the music was good and my buddy's new girlfriend is pretty rad.
I don't spend a lot of time at these venues so a couple of things struck me:
1) Undergraduate Freshmen look like they're 12
2) I'm kind of a square

The three of us were hanging out by the back, near the exit for the smokers. This guy walks up and asks if I'll watch his beer while he goes out. There's a ledge that runs along the back wall from where we're standing to the exit and no drinks are allowed outside. He says that he left his drink there before, but it got swiped (probably by some 12 year old). I said no problem and I watched his drink. He came back a little while later and thanked me profusely then offered me a "nugget" for my troubles. I said it's not a problem and that I didn't need any payment. I say this because A) it really wasn't any trouble and B) I have no idea what a nugget is. If it's pot, which I'm reasonably sure it is, I probably wouldn't smoke something that this guy was holding. He looked a little sketchy. You know, the kind of guy who's built up such a tolerance that lacing his weed with a little powdered detergent just makes his fingertips tingle.

The show ended, the crowd shuffled out and I declared the night a success. Since then I've watched all but 4 episodes of Season 7. The show is amazing. Maybe later I'll try to describe why I love it so much, but for now, I'm not unable to unpack my heart with words.

the pater familias

2009-09-25T12:24:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Revivification

2009-09-22T11:19:00.006-04:00

Many things are happening in the life of old Sprocketplug.
Yesterday, the Fighting Librarian and I celebrated the anniversary of our first date. Our plans to reenact our first date fell by the wayside due to my upset stomach. That and we couldn't find the cat o' nine tails. Instead we spent a relaxing evening at home, watching Entourage and munching on chinese food.

One of the gifts I received from my sweetheart is pictured below.

Does this girl know me or what?
It's been a fantastic year (broken foot and all) and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

With the onset of fall-like weather comes a new school year, and honeycrisp apples!

Most of you have heard this all before, but Honeycrisp apples are one of my absolute favorite foods. The texture and taste are in perfect harmony. Heaven may very well be a Honeycrisp apple.

Lastly, my academic responsibilities start tomorrow.

I'll be taking three classes and for the first time ever I'll be a research assistant for Dr's Lemeshow and Lu. I haven't met with them regarding the project, so I'm not sure what my work will entail, but I am excited to help with some original research! Don't be surprised if I cure childhood leukemia by next Thursday.

Worries

2009-09-18T12:42:00.001-04:00

There is a special collection of worries
that I keep in an old mahogany chest
in the attic of my mind

This is not where I keep those simple,
day to day worries
like
Does she think I'm cute?
What if I can't find parking?
What should I get my dad for his birthday?

If you were to open that old mahogany chest
in the attic of my mind,
you would see

What if a cockroach eats one of my toenail clippings
that fell under the bed? Will it absorb my DNA? Will it
become a half-human half-insect juggernaut of destruction?
What if every night I am replaced with a robot that has all my
memories? My voice, my thoughts, my desires all programmed
into its twinkling,
LED covered brain?
What if the only reason I haven’t developed pyrokinetic powers is because
of my disbelief?

And so I sit at my desk, staring at the black wick
of my lavender scented candle,
concentrating,
hands balled up on my knees
seeing,
in my mind’s eye,
an orange flame
blossom on that black, withered finger

at this moment, Lisa walks into my office
and asks
“Hey, Pete, what are you doing?”
“Huh?
Oh
I was just thinking about
what to get my dad
for his birthday.”

a pick me up

2009-09-13T19:35:00.002-04:00

So, I just finished an episode of Buffy that had to be some of the saddest 43 minutes of television ever created. Joss sure knows how to tug on those heartstrings.

So let's talk about something happy. When I was in MN this summer I tried a concoction of Sierra Mist and some Falconer Vineyards Rose. It was heavenly. When I got back to Ohio I polished off the two bottles I brought home with me and then found a few good bottles in the wine store that's about 100 meters from my back door. I used 7up instead of Sierra Mist and liked it even better. Then I got to thinking, what else would go well with 7up? The Girlfriend and I tried a bottle of Sangria from local supermarket and that tasted delicious. I found that mixing 7up with orange juice creates a refreshingly zesty morning beverage. And just tonight I mixed some 7up with my Lipton's Green Tea. For all you tea lovers out there, Lipton's Green Tea is more like lemonade than tea, but that's exactly how I like it.

So before you start planning an intervention, I haven't been mixing my citrus soda with cocaine and I'm not planning on turning my apartment into a "sprite house." Does anyone else have any fun drink ideas that involve 7up?

-SP

If you could bottle and sell "badass."

2009-09-01T15:27:00.007-04:00

The game that's been dominating my time: Batman Arkham Asylum. I paraphrase Joystiq.com when I say this game is more than a Batman game it's a Batman simulator. You feel as though you've stepped right into the Dark Knight's kevlar reinforced, henchman kicking, Joker stomping boots. You want batarangs? Check. You want the ability to stalk your prey from atop a gargoyle, then swoop down through a skylight, cape outstretched, boots connecting to the back of his head as if you were the very avatar of Justice herself? Done. Do you want to solve crimes and track evidence as the Worlds Greatest Detective? No problem. Do you want to clear a room full of bad guys with moves that would make Chuck Norris urinate in his trousers? You got it.

Few games have brought me such unmitigated glee as Batman Arkham Asylum. True, I'm a huge Batman fanboy, and that might be biasing my perspective, but I'm also a gamer and I know video games and I know production quality and this game just shimmers with polish. The voice acting is done by the cast of Batman: The Animated Series. Kevin Conroy reprises as the voice of Batman, and in my opinion no one does a better job. Mark Hamill (yes THAT Mark Hamill) voices the Joker with the kind of intense insanity that does justice to the mythology. The rest of the cast is also in tip-top form. The cut-scenes are beautiful, the music perfect, and all the pieces fall into place to make this an exceptional game.

Do you see that? That's your call to action.
Pick up the game, I implore you. You can't imagine what havoc the Joker will wreck if left to his devices.

A fight for Independence

2009-08-23T23:32:00.004-04:00

Docula had a great comment on my last PSA and I'd like to touch a little on what he said.

Let's talk a little about statistical independence. Loosely speaking, we say two events, A and B, are independent, if knowing that event A occurs does not change the probability that event B occurs.
E.g. Let A = the event that I play Rock Band 2 tomorrow. Let B = the event that Fast Eddie eats a salad for lunch tomorrow. These events are logically independent since my video gaming habits are not going to affect Eddie's lunching habits.

A little more complicated: Suppose you have a standard deck of playing cards. Suppose you're going to draw two cards. Let A be the even that the first card drawn is black. Let B be the event that the second card drawn is black.
Are these events independent?

Well, the probability that A occurs, denoted P(A), is 26/52 = # of black cards / # of cards total = 1/2

What's P(B)?

Well, if you drew a red card on the first draw, then P(B) = 26/51 (26 black cards but only 51 cards left)
If you drew a black card on the first draw, the P(B) = 25/51 (25 black cards (since you got one on the first draw) out of 51 cards left)

So P(B) changed DEPENDING on what you got on the first draw. So P(B) DEPENDS on what happened with A. Hence, these two events are dependent.

So why is this sometimes counter-intuitive? Suppose that I have a fair coin. By fair I mean that on each flip, the coin is as likely to land heads as it is to land tails. P(heads) = .5 = P(tails). Coin flips are independent. If I flip a coin and it lands heads then it's no more or less likely to come down heads on the next flip. Easy to say, but in practice this throws a lot of people off. Let's say I plan to flip a coin 10 times. The first 9 flips all come down heads

H H H H H H H H H

I pause for a moment and say, "what do you think it will land on the next, and last, flip?" We all (including me) have the urge to say "Tails! For the love of Buddha this string of heads is improbable!" This sentiment was dangerously echoed by some gamblers I observed when working at Treasure Island Resort and Casino. These gamblers would sit by the electronic roulette machine with notepads and they would write down the color and number of each outcome of the spin of the virtual roulette wheel. They would then attempt to use this information to help them predict the next outcome. At the most basic level of statistics just discussed, this would be a good strategy if the events were....drum roll please....dependent. If the spins of a roulette wheel were dependent then knowing something about previous outcomes could give you some information about future outcomes.
But...just like a coin flip, the spins of roulette wheel are INdependent. If that weren't true, then you would have to believe that the little wooden ball (or computerized wooden ball) somehow remembers what it has landed on and in the future will act upon that knowledge. If these men saw the ball had landed red 5 times in a row, they would probably bet on black for the next spin. This is FOLLY! Just because I flip 9 heads in a row doesn't mean the last flip is more likely to be tails. The coin doesn't remember that it just landed heads up 9 times in a row.

People have a false intuition about this empirical law called the Law of Averages, which, roughly put, states that thing even out after a while. I might get more into that in a different post, as it deserves it's own clever title.

Some real world applications? If you win the lottery using your favorite 10 digit number, there's no reason why you shouldn't keep playing that number afterwards.

If you haven't already, please, for me, watch (or read) Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. It's the funniest, cleverest thing you'll ever put your eyes on. The first ten minutes are a beautiful homage to probability theory.

p.s. something to think about. suppose that people flip coins for fun. you know, for choosing between two movies, dates, desserts, colors of ties, etc. Suppose that the average coin is flipped 100 times in it's lifetime. Meaning someone flips the coin then buys something with it and the next person to get that coin flips it for some reason or another etc. Now, do you think that somewhere out there is a coin that's always landed heads? It's been passed around from person to person and no one single individual would notice, but could there be a coin out there that's been flipped 100 times and every time the coin has come down heads? How many coins would there need to be in circulation for this to have a better than 50% chance of happening? Is this coin magical?

The Ghost in the Machine

2009-08-19T11:02:00.003-04:00

I was just typing an email to my Cousin, when Gmail started to lag. I would type in a word and at about 1/4 the speed, the letters would appear on my screen. I paused the think about what I was going to say next, then typed out a whole sentence very quickly. I sat back in my chair and watched as the letters popped up one by one, about a letter a second. It made me feel strange, as though I were in some 1980's movie where the fledgling programmer has created an artificial intelligence program and is reading it's birthing cry. Luckily, the words that appeared on the screen were the words that I typed and not something like [skynet online].

And now for one of my random thoughts:

I just watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in which Cordelia, heartbroken and furious, lays the blame for all her misfortune on Buffy and in her anger makes a wish. "I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!" Little did she know that the new girl in school was a wish-granting spirit with a man-hating streak. So spirit girl grants Cordelia's wish and Cordelia is whisked away to...you guessed it...a dystopian parallel present. Lesson learned: the Hellmouth is fraught with spirits wishing to dish up a steaming plate of irony. The parallel "What if?" reality at which Cordelia arrives is pretty much the worst of all possible worlds and she soon finds herself dead. I guess, Giles finds her dead... When dystopian Giles guesses what's happening he sets about to cancel the wish. Sidenote: vampire-cum-goth Xander and Willow make a super hot couple.
D-Giles "saves" the day by smashing an artifact,

thus reinstating the original Buffy-full reality.

My point: In so many fantasy and/or sci-fi stories, parallel realities get revoked, destroyed, squished or (and they should have a word for this) made to have never existed. What happens to those people? In back to the future 2, Marty creates a split in the space-time whatchamacallit and a dystopian Hill Valley comes into existence. He then fixes the space-time thingerdo and the future goes back to whatever it "should" have been. What about all the people in that splinter? What about all the babies born of unions that didn't happen in the "correct" future. All over the world people were just going about their lives, and who knows, maybe everywhere else people are happy and free and someone has invented an interstellar spacecraft. Shouldn't Marty be guilty of the murder of billions of people? Worse yet, what if they don't die, but their existence is revoked. Surely it is better to die than to have never existed at all. The thought makes me shudder.

Now back to my favorite flavor of dystopian realities:

More cowbell than you can handle

2009-08-16T16:09:00.002-04:00

Free Energy Music Video

I'm sorry, my little linux powered netbook doesn't want to let me ebed the video. Therefore, follow the link to watch my big brother's first official music video. I'm so proud of him and I want to you all to feast your ears on this carpe diem anthem of love.

I promise I won't forget any of you once I ride my brother's coattails to rock-star nirvana.

Definitions

2009-08-13T10:20:00.002-04:00

Does anyone else find this ad a little strange? The wait is over? You can preorder your Zune now and WAIT until September 15th to actually get it. Maybe I'm just arguing semantics. I mean, if, perhaps, you were waiting for the opportunity to preorder an iPod wannabe, then yes, your wait is over. However, if you're one of those people, I bet you really enjoy having cake as well.

SP out.

Public Service Announcement

2009-08-11T22:50:00.004-04:00

So here's a fun idea, why don't I write about a couple of interesting facets of statistical thinking?

From my personal statement, part of my application to grad school:

Midway through my first probability course I began seeing the world in a different way. Absolutes gave way to probabilities, certainty to estimation, and placid acceptance to examination. Phrases like “mutually exclusive” crept into my daily parlance and the salad bar became much more interesting when order mattered.

To illustrate an interesting principle, let me summarize a problem from the Statistics: Concepts and Controversies lab book. I can't remember the actual numbers, so I'll make some up. The problem is a critical look at an article put out by the Associated Press. The article is basking in the improbability of a certain event. The event is that the past 16 births at the local hospital in some small town in Indiana have all been boys. Well, surely, if the probability is about 50% for either gender, we should have seen about 8 boys and 8 girls, right? The probability is not difficult to calculate. Assuming that the sexes of the babies were independent, the probability of 16 boys in a row is .5 to the 16th power. 0.5^16 = 0.00001525. If you were a gambler you wouldn't bet on it, right?

So the question is this: Is this story newsworthy?

Counter intuitively, the story is not newsworthy (in a statistical sense).

Why isn't the story newsworthy? Four years ago, according to the 2005 census, there were 7,569 hospitals in the USA. In every hospital across the country, children are being born. Is it so unlikely that one of those hospitals gets a run of male births? Think about it another way. Let's say you go to a baseball stadium with 7,568 of your closest friends. You all crowd onto the field and each of you pulls out a coin. I call out "go" over the loudspeaker and everyone starts to flip his or her coin. Each of the 7,569 people flips a coin 16 times and records the number of heads and tails.

After everyone's finished, someone in the middle of center field yells out "Holy Balls, I just got 16 heads in a row!"
Is this so unusual? Do you grab this guy, throw him in your trunk, and make him play craps for you in Vegas? For legal (and statistical reasons) I wouldn't. The punch-line is that if you work on a large enough scale, even outcomes with very small probability will eventually occur. Now, if you do the math, the probability that at least one person gets 16 heads in a row (or at least one hospital gets 16 males births in a row) is about 89%. That means that if I wanted to, I could find a hospital almost every day that had this exact same, "newsworthy," event.

About 10 years ago, a man won the lottery...for the 2nd time. Holy shit, you may exclaim, certainly Baby Jesus has blessed this man above all others. Ye, let us make a shrine to him and rub its bronze nose for luck before we watch the powerball drawing. Again, faulty logic. The fact is that many people play the lottery, and, in fact, many people who win the lottery keep playing afterwards. If you get enough repeat players, eventually one of them is going to win again. Some statistician claimed it would be about every 10 years, and about 8 years later someone else became a repeat lotto winner.

Now I'm getting long winded, but I want to give one more example of how this logic applies. Say that you're talking to a new coworker and after a while you find out that you both had golden retrievers as kids and that BOTH of you have sisters named Julia. Is this crazy? Are you soulmates? People ask me, what's the probability that you meet someone at random and you both have sisters with the same first name? It's not quite the correct question. You see, if you talk for long enough, you're bound to find something in common. So when you do, you tend to forget about the dozens of things you don't have in common, and fixate on what you share. That's fine, since that's how we develop interpersonal relationships, but it's not nearly as "weird" or "spooky" as it might appear to be.

blah blah blah, i'm done. did anyone find this interesting?

mama said knock you out

2009-08-06T14:41:00.002-04:00

*whew* I just completed the first segment of Riddick. As insanely difficult as it was, it did a lot of things really well. The game did some beautiful things with light and shadow, there were also some genuinely funny moments.
Such as when you acquire a giant mechanized walker called the "heavy guard." You become a juggernaut of gatling weilding rocket launching fury. The armor talks to you during the segment giving advice to the "pilot" in a deep roboty voice.
armor: "Battle Analysis: Walk over smaller organic targets to conserve ammunition"
"Battle Analysis: Pilot should read instruction manual before operating Heavy Guard."
At the very end of these often hilarious recommendations you get
"Battle Analysis: Pilot should turn off auto Battle Analysis suggestions."

Kudos to you, oh creators of Escape from Butcher Bay. Now, on to the second (and final) portion: Assault on Dark Athena.

Something has been on my mind recently. What's up with the expression "You can't have your cake and eat it too." ?
I mean, I think I understand the meaning. It means one action is mutually exclusive of the other and both are equally desirable. You have to make a choice, you can either have your cake, or you can eat your cake, but you cannot do both. So this begs the question, who the hell wants to have some cake, but not eat it? I mean, do people really sit at the kitchen table with a huge slice of chocolate cake (presumably with a tall glass of milk) and debate this?

Inner monologue:

Hmmmm, this looks like delicious cake, I can't wait to eat it. But wait! If I eat the cake then I can't have the cake. Oh no! I am at an impasse since I do so enjoy simply possessing this piece of cake. Oh God why have you forsaken me?!?!?

I doubt it. So it seems like the only reason one would get cake would be to eat it. Right? So these two actions are not equally desirable, at least for me. There might be some weird cake hoarding fetishers out there, at which point the actions become unbalanced but in the other direction.

Can somebody please suggest an alternative to this phrase? Something like, you can't go out with a girl and sleep with her sister at the same time.

Anyway, we all know that the cake is a lie.

I hope you're not afraid of the dark.

2009-07-30T13:19:00.003-04:00

So I just bought a used copy of "Chronicles of Riddick: Assualt on Dark Athena" and lemme tell you, I was extremely excited to get it. Before I go on a little rant I want to explain the concept of "Gamer Achievements" to those of you who don't have an Xbox 360. Built into the games are meta-awards called achievements. Once you complete or "unlock" an achievement you get the requisite number of points added to your Xbox Live account. So if I've played 5 games and gotten 2,000 points worth of achievements, that score is posted on my Xbox Live account and all my gamer friends can see what ahcievements I've unlocked in what games and how many points I have total. So, these don't have any functional use, they're mainly for your own sense of accomplishment and perhaps bragging rights. They look like this (like one of my last posts).

Now all your gamer buddies can see that you've been philandering.

Some of these achievements can be very straightforward, like "complete the first level of Star Wars: force unleashed."
Some of these achievements are quite devious like in Half-Life 2 the acheivement: "targeted advertisement." Use the Cross-Bow to pin an enemy to a billboard.

And the achievements vary in difficulty and value.

Aaaaaaanyway, I looked up the achievements for Dark Athena and you get some nice points for beating the game on the hardest difficultly. I can do that. Thought I. I've played for about 4-5 hours now and I can tell you, it's really fucking difficult. Why is the game so difficult on "hard"?

1) whenever you pick up a gun dropped by an enemy, you apparently reload the gun with semi-damp cotton balls. Thus, when you shoot an enemy with said gun, the enemy says, "Oy, you got my armor slightly damp. Now you shall die." And the enemy then shoots you a single time and since his gun is filled with depleted uranium rounds, you quickly explode.

2) If you manage to pull of a head-shot (which is a little tricky given your life expectancy when you enter the same zip code as an enemy, the enemy dies. If you don't shoot him in the head and instead, for instance, put 27 rounds into his chest, he simply snickers a little, then shoots you in your little toe, which causes your face to implode.

3) The point I'm at right now there are these little fuckers called Spider Turrets. These are robots, the size of a typical paramecium, that attach themselves to the walls. A good way to discover where these turrets are is to breathe. Once you breathe, the turrets lock onto your nearest vital organ and perforate it for your dying convenience. I honestly have no idea how to get past these things.

4) I'm sure there's going to be a #4. I mean, I'm about a tenth of the way into the game and already I'm bitching about how hard it is.

*edit*
#4) I forgot to mention, the enemies have really fast reflexes. If you come around a corner and there's a guard there, he'll shoot you before you can even turn. If you're hiding in the shadows and you take careful aim and shoot a guard in the head with an assault rifle, he'll still have time to shoot you before he dies.

2009-07-29T15:26:00.002-04:00

XKCD

For those of us without iPhones

2009-07-27T17:30:00.002-04:00

Google has an extremely robust set of queries you can send via text message (that's txt msg for those of you under 18). You simple text your query to 466453 and instantaneously (usually) you get a text message back with the information you want.

Google SMS

Usual text fees apply, but if you have an unlimited texts plan, I would highly recommend checking this out.

Uses: last night, I was playing Rainbow 6 and I got this word in my head. The word was "inimical." I texted
"Define: inimical" to 466453 and immediately I got

unfriendly: not friendly; "an unfriendly act of aggression"; "an inimical critic"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

This is the first definition if you would have typed "define: inimical" into the google search engine. Pretty rad, no?

home is where the Xbox is

2009-07-23T10:35:00.002-04:00

So it's been a great week in Columbus, OH. I've been living a life of leisure, playing videogames, watching movies, and reading two great books: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami.

The Xbox games that own my life right now:

Rainbow 6: Las Vegas 2
Burnout Paradise
&
Crackdown

Between those and assimilating the arguments against intelligent design, I've been pretty "busy."
Can I just say, here and now, that Evolution is one of the most brilliant discoveries in the history of mankind.

Just a "come on" from the whores on 7th avenue

2009-07-12T14:18:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I turn my steering wheel towards Columbus, Ohio.
I used to make the drive from C-bus to St. Paul in one fell swoop, but as I've grown older and possibly wiser, I've decided to take it in two fell swoops. So I'll be staying in Bloomington, IL for a night and then landing in Glenn Ave. on Tuesday.

Things I miss about home:
My Xbox (two weeks worth of downloadable Rockband Content to peruse)
My bed (although those bastards at Howards Inn in Madison still haven't called me back to tell me they found my pillow)
My girlfriend (no, leave the glasses on, they get me hot)
My grocery store (I know exactly where they keep the dr. pepper)
My motorcycle (freedom on two wheels)

I'd like to give a huge shout-out to Mr. & Mrs. Gubbins for so graciously hosting me this past week plus. Also a big thanks to Gubbins Jr. for teaching me the true spirit of christmas.

SP out

clouds

2009-07-06T17:18:00.003-04:00

Fuck you, Windows(R)

2009-06-24T18:57:00.006-04:00

I decided to copy The Fighting Librarian and purchase a netbook for myself. For those of you unfamiliar with the now supersaturated market of "ultra-portable" computers, these are, simply, very small laptops with limited processing power.

Let me start by saying I love my Asus EEE PC. It's little, it's light, it's got a battery that will last past judgement day.

<---Actual size.

The Catch: It comes preinstalled with Windows XP.
I'm not a fan of Micro$oft, as most of you know, but I was going to swallow my pride for the sake of ultra-portable internet bliss.
So I get everything set up and I was surfing the web while watching a little Band of Brothers. And right as the courageous members of Easy Company were being shelled by the Germans while foxholed during the Battle of the Bulge...I got a virus. I got three viruses.
Windows informed me of this in the most annoying way possible. Three pop-up windows that could not be minimized or hidden. These windows informed me that my computer was infected and that I should click this link to clean the computer. The link brought me to a website proffering some anti-virus software for only 59.99. "Bullocks!" I exclaimed. I can live with a couple of viruses. exempli gratia: people live long happy lives with HPV.
So I close the pop-ups and go about my business. The thing is, these windows keep popping up. Literally every 20 seconds, these same three windows would pop up and obscure my entire screen, rendering my machine useless.
The thing is, the application sending these annoying pop-ups was hidden somewhere on my computer. I couldn't even find it and delete it. This process took me a long time since I would need to stop the search every 20 seconds to close those damn pop-up windows.

Eventually, I threw up my hands and decided to wipe that ungodly operating system from my hardware.

The solution:

Linux, sweet linux. Ubuntu is beautiful. Ubuntu is virus-free. Ubuntu costs nothing. The GUI is simple, efficient, and did I mention that it's free? Did I mention that it comes with a copy of OpenOffice which can open and edit word documents just like Windows Office? Did I mention that it's free?

So, I'll let you know how it goes, but so far so good. The installation wasn't exactly foolproof as my computer has no optical drive. I needed to install Ubuntu on a usb drive and make the drive bootable.

I gotta run, I'm in Luck, WI right now at West Denmark Family Camp. More on that later.

Sprocketplug Out

it gives you insomnia™

2009-06-11T00:27:00.003-04:00

So it's finals week. That means a few things. It means I have to endure the begging and pleading of students: "But I'm only 15% away from an A, can't you do something?"
It means I have to grade hundreds of pages of exams.
It means I drink Red Bull.
It means that after I'm done grading at 12:00am, the residual caffeine in my blood keeps sleep just outside my grasp.
It means that as I write this I am semi-conscious and I am listening to Ingrid Michaelson's The Chain, a beautifully mellow song that ends in a lovely round:

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

Plan for the summer:

1) Workout (for reals this time)
2) Learn French (a lá Rosetta Stone)
3) Play my newly bought (but not yet received) Rock Band 2
4) Film a movie following students about to take the Statistics Qualifier Exam

So the question is: What should I name my Rock Band? Here's the shortlist:

Rachel and the Lady Killers
The Stoic Unicorns
The OCD Elves
James Taylor Overdrive
Civil Hands
One Man Down
Challengers of Change
Aphrodite's Itch
Temporal Fugue
Inebriated Koala
The Sprangettes
Madrak and the Holy Rollers
P and the Values
Starbuck and the Vipers
Circular Logic

What would you call YOUR band?

His blood ran cold...

2009-05-27T18:14:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the second time that I've given a double red cell donation at my local Red Cross.

For those of you unfamiliar with this newfangled process, it works thusly. For a regular, whole blood donation, you give a pint of red goo straight from your vein to the bag. The three major constituents of blood (excluding white blood cells) are the red blood cells, plasma, and platelets. Without getting into too much detail (read: this could be bullshit I just made up), the plasma is the fluid, the red blood cells carry oxygen, and the platelets are an important factor in producing blood clots.

So, when you give a double red donation, you give twice as many red blood cells as you do during a regular donation...but you get your plasma and platelets back. No, they don't give you a doggy bag filled with icky yellow liquid, they run your blood through a centrifuge, spin out the red blood cells, which should be heavier (hemoglobin has iron in it, right?) than the rest of the junk. Then they give you back your platelets, plasma, and they throw in half a pint of saline solution at no extra charge. Wonderous, isn't it? They pause the donation at three separate times and give you back your fluids. It goes back through the same needle and you can't even feel it! The best part about the donation is that your blood can get to another person much faster because it doesn't need to hang around to get separated.

So, my first time through, I was sitting there, marveling at the wonders of modern science when my lips started to tingle. No worries, I thought, it's just nerves. But them my stomach started to twitch a little bit and I started to tremble. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I've given gallons of blood in my lifetime and never had any adverse effects. The donation ends and I need to sit for a good 20 minutes before I feel like moving.

I thought about it for a while and then I came up with a hypothesis (later confirmed by Sprocketplug Senior, Doctor of Medicine). It turns out that I was cold. Why, you ask? Well, during the return, they gave me a little more than half a pint of saline solution. That's just salt water, but it was being stored at room temperature, let's call it 67 degrees Farenheit. Normal body temp is around 98 degrees so that was a little shock to my system. I didn't recognize the feeling, because I've never gotten cold from the inside out. Weird, right?
Anyway, the second time was better since I brought a heavy sweatshirt and winter cap, but I still got the same trembly feeling. I might go back to just giving a pint of whole blood, but we'll see.

Sprocketplug out.

blogger ennui

2009-05-22T17:29:00.002-04:00

So, I've been thinking about this blog quite a bit recently. I don't really know what I should do with it. I feel like I want to post more. Lord knows I can wax whimsical with the best of them...but I don't really know where to go.
I've thought about several things:

1. reviewing video games i've been playing
2. reviewing girlfriends that i've been sleeping with
3. talk about my life as an educator
4. discuss, in depth, the relative usefulness of foam vs. gel shaving cream
5. make fun of fast eddie

one idea that will come to fruition is this: for my birthday, which was last week sometime, Fast Eddie and wife gifted me a year subscription to Parents Magazine. On the usefulness scale, this gift ranks somewhere between partially chewed pen cap and 100mL of lukewarm hamster vomit. Not that the sentiment wasn't appreciated.
I've received the latest issue as well as two back issues and all I can think about is how I can defile it. you know, cut and paste ransom letters, mix and match pictures that imply vile and disgusting things.

Just thought I'd muse aloud (so to write) a little.

-Sprocketplug

Bistromatics

2009-04-23T14:09:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, my friends and I spent a delightful evening at Dewey's Pizzeria in Grandview. When we were ordering pizzas, two friends, Roland and David, each ordered a small (eleven inch) pizza. The waitress said, "It would be cheaper if you bought a 17 inch pizza and split it."
I pondered, cheaper, maybe, but would they get the same amount of pizza?
So I pulled out a napkin, grabbed a sharpie, and did a little bistromathics.

It was a simple calculation, finding the surface area of an 11 inch pizza and comparing that to half the surface area of a 17 inch pizza*, but the activity drew a few exasperated sighs.

I say, why accept a premise on faith when you can prove or disprove it with a few simple mathematical tools? If we let enough of those moments slip by, we become slaves to hearsay and speculation.

Sprocketplug

[dictated but not read in the penthouse of an ivory tower]

* circle with diameter 11 inches has surface area
= π * r^2 = π*5.5^2 ≅ 95.03 in^2

circle with diameter 17 inches has surface area
= π * r^2 = π*8.5^2 ≅ 226.98 in^2
So half that would be approximately 113.5 in^2

It's coming.

2009-03-13T10:00:00.002-04:00

Outlander

Space Dragons, Bitches!

iPod Shuffle

2009-03-12T07:13:00.002-04:00

New iPod Shuffle

This, to me, seems like a giant step backward in terms of user interface.

The Onion posted this a while ago and seems to be more than a little prescient.

The Onion's MacBook Wheel

Yes.

2009-02-26T07:43:00.000-05:00

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

facebook

2009-02-18T10:01:00.002-05:00

For those of you unaware of the change in the terms of service that was recently revoked...
They tried to slip this in:

"You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to (a) use, copy, publish, stream, store, retain, publicly perform or display, transmit, scan, reformat, modify, edit, frame, translate, excerpt, adapt, create derivative works and distribute (through multiple tiers), any User Content you (i) Post on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof subject only to your privacy settings or (ii) enable a user to Post, including by offering a Share Link on your website and (b) to use your name, likeness and image for any purpose, including commercial or advertising, each of (a) and (b) on or in connection with the Facebook Service or the promotion thereof."

Meaning, basically, they own any and all content you put on facebook. And if you cancel your account, they still own every piece of material you put online. There were protests and groups formed against this change in policy and due to the outcry, Facebook backed down. The creators said in their blog:

"Many of us at Facebook spent most of today discussing how best to move forward. One approach would have been to quickly amend the new terms with new language to clarify our positions further. Another approach was simply to revert to our old terms while we begin working on our next version. As we thought through this, we reached out to respected organizations to get their input."

Translation: We didn't think you would notice what a bunch of dicks we are, but since you did we're going to back down and say the terms of service need a change of "language."

And then on the facebook bill or rights group, the creators say:
"5. We apologize for the confusion around these issues. We never intended to claim ownership over people's content even though that's what it seems like to many people. This was a mistake and we apologize for the confusion."

As if they didn't have a dozen lawyers drafting the language.
It's almost enough for me to bail on Facebook. This is the age of privacy rights and we have to be vigilant.

Outlander

2009-02-06T20:07:00.003-05:00

Finally a movie with a concept even better than Zombie Strippers.

....

What roller coaster ride of action and emotion. This movie has it all: stoic hero consumed by revenge meets beautiful local girl who knows how to wield a sword (if you know what I mean). Will she soften his heart and help him exorcise his troubled past? Local warrior/heir to the throne is skeptical of hero at first, but camaraderie in the heat of battle forges a deep and lasting friendship. I don't want to ruin anything by giving away more of the plot (and I use that term loosely), but I will say one more thing: Space Dragons. Oh hells yes: SPACE DRAGONS!!!!

Check it out one time, won't you.

Sooooo good!!!

2009-01-29T13:07:00.003-05:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/55259/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-wed-jan-28-2009

Great interview with Neil DeGrasse Tyson!! Check it out!

"Who are we training to land on that thing with nuclear weapons?"

Even better:

Oh yeah, baby.

2009-01-26T16:40:00.001-05:00

Look what's coming to Sprocketplug's house tomorrow!!!

Oh 1080p Matrix. Will you as beautiful as I hope you will?

For the last time...

2009-01-25T19:36:00.002-05:00

The world is not going to end in 2012. Seriously.

So say we all.

2009-01-15T16:09:00.007-05:00

Dudes and Dudettes,
Well, it's time for my biannual blog. Since last I wrote I've been to a party celebrating the 75th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition. I've been to California, to Boston, and to Florida. I ended Fall quarter and started Winter quarter. I designed a time-travel device only to have my future self travel back and destroy it before its first run. I have loved, lost, and played a crap load of Left 4 Dead on the Xbox 360. Corporations have crumbled, economies have tumbled, and Solstice has passed. I learned the true meaning of christmas only to have woodland nymphs (dryads) steal the memories from me (or so I was told).

I bought a new phone, a new TV, and a new spleen. I think Graham Crackers are underrated. I spent 15 minutes watching Dr. Phil simply because the HD picture was so amazing. I'm looking forward to Joss Whedon's new show Dollhouse, I am looking forward to the X-Men: Wolverine movie. I am looking forward to playing Fallout 3.

here are some photos.

P.S. I love Starbuck.

Update!

2009-01-04T16:25:00.001-05:00

Hi. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Updates coming soon.

How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don'tchya think?

2008-11-25T15:01:00.000-05:00

"A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."

updates abound

2008-11-08T22:38:00.005-05:00

Well I haven't written anything substantive in the past month or so, but much has been happening in the life of The Sprocketplug.

1) I have a new girlfriend. The Fighting Librarian
She's cooler than a slap bracelet and hotter than princess Leia in a metallic bikini.

2) I broke my foot (pictured below). It's been three weeks and I no longer need the crutches, but it still hurts, forcing me to walk not unlike the living dead.

3) I bought an Xbox 360 which, indirectly, lead to the breaking of my foot.

4) I made the most kick ass halloween costume of my life.

So you can't really see the whole thing but I got
a) Leather holster
b) replica .36 calibur pistol
c) lambskin vest
d) leather cowboy boots with spurs
e) little cigars

et alius, making me look like Clint Eastwood in his "man with no name" series. It was so fun. We went to high street and i hobbled around with my cowboy boot on one foot and my walking cast on the other. Two vicodin and a vodka martini later I was having the time of my life. hot girlfriend on my arm, surrounded by costumes of every sort, 'twas a night to remember. I was in a little pain for the next two days due to the fact that I wasn't supposed to be walking without crutches, but it was well worth it.

5) I got Barack Obama elected by giving him Ohio.

No thanks necessary, I was just doing my job to keep the world safe. Plus, I owed it to you guys after the 2004 election.

I hope you all are well!!!

-SP

High-larious

2008-10-31T14:04:00.001-04:00

In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?

YES WE CAN!

2008-10-30T14:11:00.001-04:00

whoa

2008-10-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

www.nytimes.com

The Happening On BluRay

2008-10-08T11:53:00.002-04:00

With the DVD and Blu-Ray releases of M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening," I feel it my duty to once again implore you to avoid this film in any and all of its nefarious forms.
Even if you are given a free copy of this film by a beloved friend or relative, I beg of you, do not watch it. If you are captured by a band of marauding pirates and given the choice between walking the plank and watching the DVD with director's commentary, I urge you to seriously contemplate your decision.

I wish you all a wonderful day.

-SP

Doing manly things.

2008-10-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

So, I brought my shotgun back to Ohio with me and I decided it was time to give her a thorough cleaning. Since I had never done such a thing I went out to a Gander Mountain and bought the necessary supplies. Next was finding the owners manual for my Mossberg 500-A online and reading how to dis- and then reassemble my firearm.

Before:

During:

Oh shit, I didn't mean to disassemble the safety:

after about 3 hours and a dozen websites detailing the assembly of the safety mechanism:

Complete! Now who's ready for the Zombie Apocalypse?

Realizations

2008-09-26T17:29:00.000-04:00

New for Autumn!

2008-09-19T13:24:00.000-04:00

I'm adding this to all my syllabi

Zombies: Should the zombie apocalypse occur during this quarter, all students will be excused from attending class.

rawr

...and the world spins madly on.

2008-09-14T00:59:00.001-04:00

I believe in imagination, the hopeless romantic, the quixotic hero, the villain with the handlebar mustache, and honeycrisp apples. I believe King Arthur was real, I believe there is life on other planets, I believe there is life on this planet. I believe in the
smooth, straight flight of a monster backhand huck into the endzone. I believe that America should adopt the metric system, cover the roadways with solar panels and send a human to mars. I believe in the perseverance of the human spirit, the undeniable power of a brilliant idea, and that everyone looks beautiful by candlelight. I believe in fantasies, heartache, and that moment before climax when the world stands absolutely still.

Your turn.

Thank you for this, Carl.

2008-09-10T23:04:00.002-04:00

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/

Which also reminds me of this http://qntm.org/?board, and this http://qntm.org/?geocide

Funny stuff what with the end of days upon us.

I'm feeling good, are you guys?

_SprocketPlug_

My Summer Vacation.

2008-09-05T10:08:00.001-04:00

Statistical Scavenger Hunt

2008-08-21T16:19:00.004-04:00

In order for my students to collect their final project, they had to go on a quasi-scavenger hunt. This was the video that launched the hunt.

background: we did a lot of examples involving Hannah Montana during the term.

Bouncetastic

2008-07-31T13:53:00.002-04:00

So far so good

2008-07-25T23:36:00.002-04:00

The joke I invented today:

Q: How can you make stir-fry in space?

A: With a moon wok!

So funny. Not 15 minutes later, Mr. and Mrs. Gubbins and I were eating our chinese food and we started talking about porpoises. I told him they're difficult to own, because you have to milk them three times a day.

Mr. Gubbins: I wonder what you can make with porpoise milk.
Sprocketplug: Seabiscuits?

I'm on a freaking roll.

Bouncy castle party tomorrow. Be there or be square. fotos and video to follow.

-SP

My trip to target...

2008-07-15T22:17:00.002-04:00

On my last trip to Target, I purchased the following items:

Walkie Talkie (14 mile max. range) x2
Antibiotic Cream
Eggs (2 dozen)
Stopwatch
Chocolate Syrup
Hot Fudge
Hydrogen Peroxide
Emergency Poncho (x2)

can anyone guess what I'll be up to tomorrow?

I'm in Minnesota, Bitches!

2008-07-04T15:16:00.003-04:00

And glad of it.

Happy Independence Day, everyone. Celebrate by eating some British babies.

The Happening by M. Night Shyamalan

2008-06-19T21:18:00.002-04:00

It sucks. Don't see it. Enough said.

-SP

...my cold dead hands.

2008-05-22T16:46:00.005-04:00

Peter Goes to the NRA National Convention

Oh, Second, loveliest of all the amendments, you alone protect this country from another invasion of the Red Coats

Wow. Just wow.

2008-05-02T14:28:00.002-04:00

I don't know if y'all follow 30 Rock, but it's gotta be one of my all time favorite television programs. I don't actually get television reception, but I watch them on www.hulu.com. Last week's episode is utter brilliance. It's especially delightful if you've seen the movie Amadeus.

Check it out if you have a little time:

Hulu.com

I'm gonna watch it again. hmmm hmmm funny.

More from Slashdot

2008-04-25T08:01:00.001-04:00

Slashdot
Josh Fink brings us a CNN story discussing evidence found by researchers which indicates that humans came close to extinction roughly 70,000 years ago. A similar study by Stanford scientists suggests that droughts reduced the population to as few as 2,000 humans, who were scattered in small, isolated groups.

...

And then they all came together for the largest Orgy this planet has ever seen. They saved the species from extinction and had a super fun time doing it.

-SP

this is FUN!

2008-04-21T21:06:00.002-04:00

More random quotes from sent emails spanning from april 2006 to 2007

This sucks.

I hate SAS.

If ever I encounter one of the original writers of this god forsaken program, I shall strike him/her in the genitals with a car antenna. after said strike, I shall hurl invective upon his/her writhing personage until such a time as my ire is sated.

It's not possible to completely randomize 5 mops with four people. It's good that you're accounting for order, though. There's some psychological effect: primacy and...something else... where people remember best and prefer most the thing that they saw first or last. It would be fun to give them the same mop twice and see if they give it different scores.

I'm Peter Sprangers and I endorse this message

Dude. That is totally whack. And by "whack" i mean stupid.

I have been soooo sick the past couple of days. I thought I was on my death bed. I saw Jesus. he told me that abstinence only programs are the work of the devil. then he told me to smoke pot. I love Jesus. Don't judge me!

Lauren, were you a single woman I would take you in a manly fashion.

I'm a heretic!!!!

sweet quiz.

i'm also lustful. could have fooled me.

...i'm fine, but for some burns on my leg making it hard for me to walk around...

Sure thing. Welcome to the P-Hat Allstars.

You'll not take my power without a coup de etat!

I need you to love me unconditionally for the rest of my life.

I love this bike more than my own penis.

Sonnet

This is for the afternoon we lay in the leaves
After it had been winter for half a year,
And I kissed you and unbuttoned your jeans
And touched you and made you smile, my dear.
And of all the good things that love means,
One of them is to touch you there
And make you smile, among the leaves,
And feel your wetness and your sweet short hair,
And kiss your breasts and put my tongue
Into the delirium between your soft pale thighs,
Because the winter has been much too long
And soon will come again, when this love dies.
I will hear sermons preached, and some of them be true,
But I will not regret that afternoon with you.

C.B. Trail

Cleaning out the closet

2008-04-21T20:51:00.003-04:00

I was looking through my "sent mail" folder and I came across this email I sent April 15, 2006. Subject: you're my wonderwall

I think Oasis really had it going on. I mean, their name brings the image of a watery sanctuary in a cruel and uncaring desert like deserty thing. And then their song Wonderwall, I mean, it's brilliant. What is a wonderwall? What does it taste like? Do people put it in their pockets? Maybe you put pockets in wonderwalls.
"I said 'maybe, you're gonna be the one to save me.' afterall you're my
wonderwall."

...

good luck looking for your easter basket. my first guess would be to check the small tear in the space time continuum behind the couch. your mom created it late last fall and she's been dying to use it for something. be careful, though, you might reach in and pull out the 19th century. and i mean, where are you going to put a 19th century. there's no more room left in my closet and you don't own a big enough purse.

What did I Fu**ing SAY?????

2008-04-12T11:57:00.002-04:00

Referring to Previous post

Slashdot
opencity writes
"The Register reports that the (perhaps inevitable) robot rebellion has been avoided ... for now. 'Ground-crawling US war robots armed with machine guns, deployed to fight in Iraq last year, reportedly turned on their fleshy masters almost at once. The rebellious machine warriors have been retired from combat pending upgrades.' Gizmodo also has a good photo."

Why can't we just make sexbots like everyone wants. We don't want robots that will fight, we want robots that will love.
See also: XKCD

Surrender

2008-04-07T21:45:00.001-04:00

Do not surrender your grief so quickly
Let it cut more deeply
Let it ferment and season you
As few human or divine ingredients can

Something is missing in my heart tonight
That has made made my eyes so soft
And my voice so tender
And my need of God so absolutely clear.

Hafiz

Remembering a great man.

2008-04-05T09:04:00.000-04:00

I have been weighed, I have been measured...

2008-03-23T10:57:00.003-04:00

I got my student evaluations back from last quarter and I've decided to show you some of the more entertaining comments. They were, on the whole, quite good, but these stood out:

What do you see as strengths of the instructor?

Funniest man alive
Well groomed beard
extreme cuteness
none
he actually did a good job…
being awesome
his arms
WHITESNAKE FOREVER!!!!

What do you see as areas of improvement for the instructor?

Overused 80’s cartoon references
bad handwriting
remember to take rats out of your pockets
taste in music
a little scatterbrained at times
consider removing facial hair
Peter has no weaknesses
not going on so many rabbit trails
some examples are too far fetched, e.g. Ninjas and shurikens???

A day at the beach

2008-03-19T17:22:00.001-04:00

One of my all time favorite things to do.

south of the mason dixon

2008-03-16T12:39:00.002-04:00

I made it to Florida after 12 hours of travel. Tornados in Atlanta, fog is Columbus, and our plane was attacked by gremlins that live in the clouds. I've been flying for probably 20 years and I've never been scared while up in the wild blue yonder, but friends I was shakin' in my boots on the flight from c-bus to atlanta. Ah, well, I've arrived safe and sound. Now my week will be devoted to hanging out with the padre, drinking beers by the pool, and catching up on some reading. Has anyone read Doris Lessing? I picked up the Golden Notebook and I'm interested to see what she has to say.

I'm also half way through Hitchins' God is not Great. I'll have more to say on that later, but it's decent. I think there's a fundamental flaw in saying "Religion Poisons Everything" in as much as it is to say "Christians hate Black people." There are obviously sects or factions that are extremist but blanket statements rarely convey the truth. As Obi Wan once said "only the Sith deal in absolutes."

Hope y'all get a chance to break for spring.

-SP

Christopher Moore!

2008-03-04T13:49:00.002-05:00

I wrote Christopher Moore an email and I got a response about 1.5 minutes later:

Peter:

Thanks for the nice note. I'm glad the books are working for you. I'll try to keep
them coming. Right now I'm working on a comedy set in Medieval England. Beyond that,
who knows? I should finish the new one today. (cross your fingers)

Happy Reading,
Chris

>Hi Christopher,
>
>I just wanted to write to say thanks for all the wonderful books. I just
>started reading your novels and I have to admit you're the funniest
>son-of-a-bitch I've ever read. Thanks again, and please keep them coming.

>Sincerely,
>Peter

Was that a stock reply? I don't think so. I'm tickled that he actually read my email.

Just sneaking in under the 1 month mark

2008-02-27T10:15:00.002-05:00

From Slashdot:

"The Planetary Society invited participants to compete for $50,000 in prizes by designing a mission to rendezvous with and 'tag' a potentially dangerous near-Earth asteroid. The asteroid Apophis was used as the target for the mission design because it will come closer to Earth in 2029 than the orbit of geostationary satellites. The winning mission design is called Foresight, and calls for the use of off-the-shelf parts to undercut the price of other proposals. Here's a PDF of the winning proposal."

Closer than the orbit of geostationary satellites?!?! That's pretty freaking close. That's like getting a hair cut from a guy firing an AK-47 100 yards away.
Imagine how bright that's going to be! I don't think there's much atmosphere up there to burn it up, but the sunlight reflecting is going to be dazzling. I can't wait! I just hope no one forgot to convert the calculations into ft-lbs...cause I haven't built my bomb shelter yet.

Speaking of which, question to my readers: what would you put in your bomb shelter for entertainment? I guess you can assume you'll have a power source.

-SP

Um.....wtf are they thinking?

2008-01-28T12:42:00.000-05:00

Village Voice
New York city to criminalize possession of pollution detectors, Geiger counters, etc...

So, let's take this to the next level. Everyone needs to carry a permit in order to call 911. If you don't have a permit and you call 911, you'll be charged with inciting panic and severely prosecuted.

I for one, don't think that this: Cell phone detectors is such a bad idea.

What else should we outlaw so that people have the illusion of security?

Going Down on Madonna

2008-01-01T13:43:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, everyone. Let me tell you about my annual Minnesota vacation.

Christmas at my Uncle's house was business as usual. Because this is the one time every year that the whole clan meets in one place, the conversations remain almost exclusively superficial. "How are you doing?" "So, where are you now?" "What are you doing?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" which would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that each of the 2 dozen people ask you the exact same questions. At one point, I was standing in the kitchen talking with my aunt and just as I was answering the last question on the list, my uncle walks up behind me and asks, "How are you doing, where are you now?" at which point I pivot and begin reciting my answers from the top.

After eating from a great panoply of cheesy, greasy, or salty foods in which the only vegetarian option was raw vegetables and ranch dip (poor brother), I sat down with my grandfather for his and my Christmas State-Of-The-whatever-the-hell-grandpa-wants-to-talk-about address. When talking with my grandfather you are struck with the realization that no less than 97% of the things he says are completely derived from stock phrases, cliches, and aphorisms, peppered with the occasional malapropism.
After grandpa's startling explication of the relative proximity of similarly plumaged fowl, he went on to lend his support to the widely held scholarly opinion that the construction of ancient cities took more than 24 hours.
After giving me a nod and a wink as if to say, no need to thank me for the invaluable advice, he begins to tell a story.
Grandpa's stories wander through the realms of moral parable, historical fiction, non-fiction, and a genre i like to call incoherent sentence fragments. I know I'm walking the fine line between humorous observation and invective, but you have to realize that my grandpa is not senile, nor is he unintelligent. In fact, I have the sinking suspicion that he's playing some intricate game with the family, mentally laughing at us all while we try to follow what seems to be a mix of an aesop fable, a john wayne movie, and a collection of one-line jokes.
After his rousing tale, I excuse myself, and retreat to the circle of cousins, most of whom are my age. My cousins are, almost without exception, extremely interesting people. They are kind and funny, clever and well educated. I like this part of Christmas.

As for Madonna, well, on the 23rd of december, my beloved friends, Mr. and Mrs. Gubbins, and I were playing a game of Yahtzee. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, the rules are quite simple. You roll 5 dice and try to get certain outcomes, such as all sixes, 3 of one type and 2 of another, runs of 3 or 5 etc. At its most basic level, this is a game of chance. I am not an avid Yahtzee player, in fact I may have played once before in all of my days. However, on this fateful day, the gods were with me and I happened to play what could possible be the greatest game of yahtzee ever played in the history of the known universe. My final score was 670 points (or somewhere thereabouts), and from what I can gather, that's about what God's score would be were he to actually play dice in the universe. After I stopped dancing my wild "I'm-better-than-you" dance, and warmed up my vocal chords for a rousing "nee-ner nee-ner boo boo", Mr. Gubbins said, "That will probably be the best game of Yahtzee you will ever play." I exhaled the breathe that was supposed to carry the "nee-ner's" and began to ponder. Mr. Gubbins statement was most surely true. The planets would never align in such a way again to grant a mortal the awesome power bestowed unto me. I began to worry, did I peak too soon? Does this mark the slow downward spiral into obscurity? Will this laurel support my figurative weight until I'm 80, or will people say "Yeah, Sprocketplug played a good game of Yahtzee when he was 26, but he hasn't done squat since." Am I condemned to be just another Albert Einstein?
Dan Berg, in his song Tiger Woods, wrote

"I had a friend whose goal in life was to one day go down on Madonna, that was all he wanted, that was all, to one day do down on Madonna. And when my first was 34, he got his wish in Rome one night. He got to go down on Madonna in Rome one night in some hotel. And ever since he's been depressed. his life in shit from here on in. And all our friends just shake their heads and say too soon too soon too soon, he went down on Madonna too soon, too young too young too soon too soon...."

To what shall I devote the rest of my life?

-SP

Why do I get up in the morning...

2007-12-04T10:10:00.001-05:00

A question that I've heard on lot in job interviews is the title of this blog: What gets you up in the morning? It's an interesting question with a variety of interpretations. As I've thought more about this, my answer would have to be: Irony. I truly love those moments of irony, moments of poetic justice, moments that make you say "noooooooo, seriously?"

Example 1: Three years ago Professor Blackwell, longtime businessman and entrepreneur, was indicted for insider trading (among other things). In order to testify he had to get a substitute teacher to lecture his business ethics class.
Delicious.

Example 2: In high school, Johnson's American Lit class. There was some discussion about the differences between men and women and...let's call her Betty...Betty raises her hand and says "Boys always generalize."

Example 3: This morning, I get a new pair of scissors from the department supply closet. However, the tag is attached to one of the loops in the handle. Attached with thick cardboard bound to itself with a big brass button. The cardboard is so thick that I cannot tear, pry, gnaw or bribe it off. That's right, in order to remove this tag I would need...a pair of scissors. Ahhh lovely.

Tell me some of the great ironies you've experienced recently and we shall revel in the beauty.

it's so easy bein' green...

2007-11-04T16:49:00.000-05:00

I just signed up for AEP Ohio's Green Pricing Option. I pay a little more on my electric bill per month (only about $3), and this enables me to purchase 4 blocks (400 kilowatt hours) of renewable energy. It's not like they're hooking my apartment up to a wind turbine or anything, but from here on out, I am, in a sense, using only renewable energy to power my little domicile! Horray!

https://www.aepohio.com/news/releases/viewrelease.asp?releaseID=447

Who would have thought it was that easy?!?

-SP

p.s. all the profits for the green pricing option go into creating more sustainable energy options.

I can see a trend...

2007-10-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

Should this blog become a repository for all the wacky stuff that I encounter whilst teaching? Perhaps.
Exhibit A: an email I received last night from a student I had about 2 years ago.
I've copied the email below but I've X'd out the student's name...keep in mind everything between the lines is one email.

Dear.Peter Sprangers

Hello.
This is XXXXX who was your student at 2006, spring.
I think you are still teaching stat 135. Right??
I transfered to another school, far away from OSU.
I want to transfer stat 135 to my current school. But this school require me to bring stat135 syllabus. I checked online, but I can just see the "basic syllabus". But, I need to see detail.

Dear, peter..
I am so sorry for asking this kind of thing to you.
But I need your help. You are only one who can save my life.
Could you send me e-mail with stat 135 syllabus attached??
Please..I do not want to take stat class again. It was so horrible,,difficult..
Please..help me out..
Thank you very much.

Have a good day.
XXXXX

Awesome. So I send the student a copy of our current syllabus, a feat which takes me approximately 3 and a half minutes. Her response:

Thank you for kindness.
I appreciate..
Have a good weekend.
God bless you~
XXXXX

Me, saving lives since 2005. Sprocketplug out.

Why I'm a bad professor....part 2...

2007-10-18T11:43:00.001-04:00

Student writes:

Would you say that the problems that we did on Wednesday are about the same difficulty and type as the ones on the exam?

Thanks,
Jeff

I respond:

The review on Wednesday was a subtle machination to lull you into a false sense of security. The actual exam will cover such topics as: 16th Century French politics, the efficacy of NSAIDs after anthroscopic surgery, and the life and times of Mannie Davis, director of the 1956 cartoon Heckel and Jeckel.

Cheers,

Peter

I'm a dick.

Why I'm a bad professor...

2007-10-12T16:29:00.001-04:00

Me: ...so this pdf is defined for values of theta between 0 and positive infinity.

Student: Why can't theta be negative?

Me: Because that would cause a collision between time and anti-time resulting in the obliteration of our universe.

Student: ...

Me: Moving on. The expected value of this pdf....

Told you...

2007-10-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

Slashdot.org Article

I'm not mentioned for security reasons.

-SP

Where have I been?

2007-10-02T22:20:00.001-04:00

A whole month without posting???? I bet you're dying to know what I've been doing. Three words: human animal hybrids.

Using advanced statistical modeling and lasers I have done the impossible. Stay tuned for more information.

Also, if anyone has been watching Fox news it looks like they're gearing up to support a war with Iran. I, myself, think middle east wars are becoming a bit passé, but what do I know.

Safe journey spacefans, wherever you are.

-SP

More news for nerds...

2007-08-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

From Slashdot
"Researchers have released a new paper on quantum computing theorizing how to use optically controlled electrons to make an ultrafast quantum computer. From the article, 'Scientists have designed a scheme to create one of the fastest quantum computers to date using light pulses to rotate electron spins, which serve as quantum bits. This technique improves the overall clock rate of the quantum computer, which could lead to the fastest potentially scalable quantum computing scheme of which the scientists are aware.'"

This seems like a fairly dubious honor. Seeing as scientists have yet to make quantum computer that can do more than factor the number 6, it seems silly to give credit to a person who has theorized the fastest quantum computer. That's like having a debate with Mr. Gubbins that goes something like this.

SP: I have an idea. What if we could make a toaster oven that also could spontaneously rearrange matter. For instance, we could use lasers or something to turn a banana into a 1984 Delorean.
Gubbins: Yeah, but what if the toaster could also play music from local radio stations.
SP: Wow. Your theoretical toaster is better than mine. I acquiesce.

is all that we see or seem...

2007-08-09T10:11:00.000-04:00

My dream last night:

I was a paraplegic Billy D. Williams fighting a group of Satan worshippers, posing as a travelling ultimate frisbee team. The Satan worshippers were stealing fetuses and burying them near the stands of the ultimate frisbee fields. I caught the lead worshipper and killed him using a mining pick.
Then I was in a large convention that turned out to be a very odd game of football in which both sides continually changed costume. At one point my dad and stepmom were dressed as klingons and i was in a barbershop quartet with joe uphoff, chris foot, and who i think was kevin leville.

Don't ask me, I have no freaking clue.

-SP

This is not a good idea...

2007-08-03T11:34:00.000-04:00

Posted on Slashdot.org
"Robots have been roaming Iraq, since shortly after the war began. Now, for the first time — the first time in any war zone — the 'bots are carrying guns. The SWORDS robots, armed with M249 machine guns, "haven't fired their weapons yet," an Army official says. "But that'll be happening soon." The machines have actually been ready for a while, but safety concerns kept them off the battlefield. Now, the robots have kill switches, so "now we can kill the unit if it goes crazy," according to the Army. I feel safer already."

Have we learned NOTHING from the Terminator movies? Or 2001: A Space Odyssey? Or Short Circuit? wait...that one ended o.k., but other than that you're just begging for a robot rebellion. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but I don't want to be put into a vat of purple ooze and used as a biological battery or hunted for sport by mechanical overlords...laughing with those horrible tinny voices, laughter like the sound metal scraping against metal, their expression of joy not unlike a low speed car crash.

What do you think, my friends? Are you ready to join me in the resistance!

-SP

World War Z

2007-07-06T14:42:00.000-04:00

91%

Extra Credit

2007-06-05T23:07:00.000-04:00

On my final exam I gave my students an extra credit problem:
"If Peter started a band, what would his band name be?"

here is a not-so-random sample of responses:

Stat-tastical Avenger Force

The Extraploators

Whitesnake (although i think this name is taken)

The Probabilities

Sprangers and the Null Hypotheses

SP Rangers

Madrak and the Holy Rollers (someone I told I play world of warcraft)

Sprangers and the Back Row Bandits

that is all.

-SP

Aim for the head.

2007-05-20T23:30:00.000-04:00

Well, my friend Tison and I decided to catch the late showing of "28 Weeks Later." the sequel to the popular horror/survival film "28 Days Later." The original film, 28 days, is remarkably well done. It was a new spin on the zombie genre and fairly artistic while being extremely intense and provocative.
28 Weeks Later takes place, you guessed it, 28 weeks after the initial outbreak of the Rage virus. A virus that turns normal people in hyper-violent man-eaters with complete disregard to bodily hygeine. Here's the kicker, unlike the lumbering, groaning, reanimated corpses of George A. Romero's classic, those infected with Rage are fast, nimble, and often silent. The other kicker is that rage is extremely contagious (through blood and saliva) and symptoms present literally seconds after infection. So there's the setup. At the end of 28 days later, we see that the infected, although vicious, are stupid. They eventually die of starvation and 28 weeks later, the US military has arrived to clean up the mess. (Marines to the rescue!). They've quarantied and cleansed Dogs Island (Britain) and have begun rehabitation. Here's my favorite head slapping moment of the film.
The virus becomes active again after a woman is found who has partial immunity to the disease. They determine that she's a carrier just in time for her to infect one person and thus renew the great epidemiological bloodfest. So, the klaxon's blaze the words "Code Red" are yelled by important looking people in uniforms and the Marines rush in to..."save the day." I use the quotes because, apparently, part of the quarantine procedure is to shove hundreds of people into tiny rooms so that they're standing shoulder to shoulder, lock the front door with chains, and leave the back door wide open for zombies to run through. Oh, but before that, they turn off all the lights. Who's the military genius who came up with this plan? My reconstruction of that dialogue

Jim: What about the civilians, Sir? What should we do with them in the event of an outbreak.
Joe: Well, we want to keep them calm and protected. So let's crowd them into a room, not tell them what's going on, leave the entrances unguarded, lock the front entrance but leave the door leading to the infected zone unlocked.
Jim: That seems like a bad idea, Sir.
Joe: You're right, we should turn off all the lights too.

PAH! I'm going to make a survival film where the protagonists make intelligent decisions at every turn! I mean, they'll still die, but that's what will make it even more frightening. I hate the let's-see-what's-in-the-basement mentality so prevalent among braless babysitters during blackouts.

final word: rent the original. it's great. avoid the sequal.