So what did I learn? What's the takeaway?
I try not to do regrets. What good are they? Every regret can be redirected into a lesson.
I should have listened to all the warning bells that went off in my head right away. The feeling of being tired, unbalanced, almost manic. I should have realized the cold seas of her eyes were the same that filled men's lungs as they sank to the bottom. I should have realized when there was no honeymoon period, when, after the starter pistol went off, I was pulling my feet through mud. Fighting for every inch of affection, running through the hurdles, too tired to lift my legs over.
So what did I learn. Relationships are like a dance, both people are responsible for their own balance, but when you can trust someone enough, you can start to play with counterbalance. That's where you can explore different centers of gravity, push yourself beyond what you could achieve alone. But when your partner drops you again and again, it's time to find a different dance.
August 28th, I sent a text to my friend Jen. I wrote:
She is going to either utterly destroy me,
or she's going to gild me with invicible armor.
Either way, it's going to be a hell of a ride
So clearly I wasn't totally blind to the perils. I saw great potential for either success or failure.
So clearly I wasn't totally blind to the perils. I saw great potential for either success or failure.
I am relieved that it's over. Relieved that I get to take care of myself for a while.
And can I just say for a second that I'm a great fucking catch? Can I say that? I am bright, funny, and charming. I'm a good dancer. I am financially secure. I am disease free. I can speak, with some eloquence, on most topics of conversation. I am a passionate and attentive lover. I am thoughtful and kind. I surround myself with good, honest, well-intentioned people. I have an open mind and a full heart. I respect people and their stories. I constantly strive to understand the world better. I am playful and witty. I like to play games, to improvise, to "yes-and" almost anything. People at my job like me and value me.
What the fuck was she thinking, throwing this away? Driving me to the point of insanity. Draining every last ounce of energy. What was she thinking?
